the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
