At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
