please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
