so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
