If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
