Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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