If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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