I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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