She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
