and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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