I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
