and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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