I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize