So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize