my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
there is puke in my bra ... again
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
