he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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