This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
