So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
