Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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