Cold hands, warm shart.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
