Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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