70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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