I faked an abortion last night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
