Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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