Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
