I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
