Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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