I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
