the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
