Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
