If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Hippo gnu deer
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
