i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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