I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I sprained my soul last night
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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