Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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