Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
