My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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