i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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