Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
bring money and cleavage
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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