am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
