I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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