Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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