I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
