Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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