I learned to sign I want to be on you today
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Deaf chicks here I come
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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