You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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