Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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