i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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