You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
