How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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