Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Randomize
