There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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