did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
