she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
