The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sober January is a disaster.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
