Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize