i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize