Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize