I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
