I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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