He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
