i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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