My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
